Technology Continues To Betray

My computer has died. Randomly, without caust, it refuses to turn on. I have taken it in to a Toshiba certified shop, and as we have eliminated most other causes we believe it to be a motherboard problem. Hooray.

That news put me in a foul mood, and the only way to cure foul moods is to go to the gym. In this case, I needed an epic gym trip. I decided to channel the spirit of JJ and Bob, the two gym partners I have been missing dearly since our parting of ways in Hangzhou.

I haven't taken preworkout drinks in a little over a month, and I finished my last cycle of Creatine before returning to America around that time as well. Thus my workouts, while excellent, don't have that epic Bob-insanity level that they had before. I decided that only through the power of Bob's beloved Red Bull could I do that.

As I explained to my friends, for a balanced and truly epic workout you must combine the 5 elements, much like when forming the Power Rangers or Captain Planet. There has to be five:

JJ is the power of smoldering rage, you simply take whatever is bothering you at the time (girlfriend, homework, bowel problems, China) and turn it into sheer willpower. Give homage to the spirit of JJ before working out, and your rage fueled workout will leave you happy and carefree after the workout. Side effects include epic hair.

Dan is the power of epic metal, only through harnessing the power of a well stocked ipod and focusing ones inner spirit can one truly find harmony with the epic gods of metal and have a fulfilling destructive workout. Only through him can you find the power to do 10 sets of pullups and call it a warm up.

Stevo is the power of competition. Oh, you lifted that much last week? Well the Bear Spirit of Stevo will not only add 20 pounds, but he will do 3 more reps than you did with the lighter weight. It shouldn't be humanly possible, but since when is the bear spirit Stevo confined to logic. Pussy.

I bring with me the power of excess. Yes, that weight is dangerously heavy. No, it is not necessary for me to do that many sets of bench press. I'm not sure what you mean by 'rest day' but the concept sounds silly. Embracing the power of Chris requires moderation, it can bring great gains, but within this power also lies the path to overtraining, one of the great sins against the workout gods.

Bob brings the power of insanity. Not controlled insanity, not refined insanity, simply insanity. Embracing the spirit of Bob is what leads people to mix red bull, noxplode, and instant coffee in a nalgene before working out. Bob is the reason 24 hour fitness has a coffee station in the middle of the gym. Bob is a strong man, and he dares any of you to take a run at him.

I combined these elements and had one heck of an epic workout yesterday. I embraced the raging fury within me, bought two red bulls (the non carbonated Chinese version), and with Through The Fire And Flames blaring loudly downed the first in remembrance of JJ in Hangzhou and his love for the occasional single preworkout red bull. I looked at the second, and with a thought of remembrance for Bob and his reckless abandon seen in the concoctions made preworkout in Hangzhou, downed the second Red Bull. My ipod seemed to know that this was not a normal workout, and the shuffle seemed to switch perfectly from Dimmu Borgir to Ayreon to Blind Guardian to Iron Maiden, keeping me supplied with fresh epic workout fueling metal. I began with Dan style pull ups, pushups, and dips to get into the mood, then pointed out the trainer that likes to think he can compete with me to come and be my spotter, loaded 225 onto the squat bar, and the rest became a blur as the 5 elements combined to form whatever we combine to form. I like to think its a gundam or megazord or something.

Man, now I want to workout. CHINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA