The One Week Mark

In 45 minutes I will have crossed the threshhold into having just under a week to go. Time feels like it has been going by so slowly lately, I am really appreciating every day while at the same time steadily building excitement for returning to America.

The brunt of our tests finished on wednesday, thursday, and friday (yes consecutive - ouch) with the friday being concluded with a huge 3 hour program where we all had performances. They provide us with a DVD of the performance just like last year. No, you may not see me embarass myself yet again.

Ron came in from shanxi for the day so I got a trip to hang out with him, seeing him made me remember the old Hangzhou crew and I got a bit Hangzhou-sick for a bit. Good thing I get to see the JJ and the Bob in a week. AHHHH TOP SCORE

I need to map out the list of places to eat at before I leave, I've been mainly focusing on buying things for everyone else and forgotten to plan that part. I also need to make sure I buy a few things for myself, some good CD's, books, and Chinese movies.

CHINAAAAAAAAA WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

One Month To Go

My friend's Chinese roommate gave me a book to read a few weeks ago after hearing how much I like the movie "To Live". The author wrote the book To Live that the movie is based off of (which I plan to buy before leaving), and this book is similar is story. I picked up the book two days ago to see if I could read the first page or two and understand it, and to my surprise it sucked me in. I have now in two days read 42 pages of a Chinese novel. In Chinese. 42 pages. I gave a report on what I'd read to my teacher today and she couldn't believe I was reading so fast, and to be honest I can't believe I'm reading it so quickly either. I never imagined that I would be able to pick up a Chinese novel and read it at a pace equivalent of an English book. I am excited.

Today I drew a picture of a ninja doing a sky uppercut on a dinosaur holding a mace while using the gun in his other hand to shoot at a robot below. Meanwhile a space pirate if flying in from the left firing a cannon while Thomas Jefferson and Gandalf swing in on a rope to join the fight. I did all this on the dry erase board before class and thus got to use the picture in a lot of our grammar structures. I believe this is an outward manifestation of missing my friends. Dan is clearly Gandalf, and JJ is clearly Thomas Jefferson. I believe the robot is probably Anita, the ninja with a gun is Bob for certain, and the dinosaur wielding an awesome mace is probably Stevo. Mandy is definitely the pirate in the flying space capable pirate ship. That doesn't even need to be stated.

I miss home.

Almost As Bad As Jack Johnson

This weekend I let my friends convince me that going to a radiohead-influenced Chinese band's concert would be a good experience.

Yeah that was a terrible idea.

BLACK POWDER

My workouts have just been rejuvenated. One of my friends gave me some Black Powder, telling me a friend had given it to them when leaving China but they didn't want to use it. I have taken this as a sign from God as a reward for my good deeds and a mandate to workout and blow everyone's minds, and thus today I did just that. I am so excited, I have enough left for about 14 days, which is oddly the amount of workout days I have left. Tell me this isn't a sign from a higher power.

To prepare my body for the punishment I went and had my first massage since being in Hangzhou. I sprung the extra 50 RMB for the swedish style massage with oil and oh dear lord. No regrets there, I am so relaxed right now, I am really going to miss the massages when back in America.

I am sad that my computer is dead for good until I can return to America and replace the mother board, but not having the internet has been pretty good for my free time. As a result I've found some cool underground markets to explore for gifts and goodies for myself. Seriously awesome markets, you enter this 5 foot by 5 foot building in the middle of nowhere and go down the staircase into this giant underground multi-level market complete with an underground Korea Town. It blows my mind and will require several days to fully map out and buy things from.

The new infusion of Black Powder made me miss Bob and JJ and thus I had to watch (and by watch, I mean force my friends to watch for the first time as well) the Powerthirsts, Brawndos, NFL Crunchtime, and Superbingo on youtube. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go watch the Big Lebowski with them. PERFECT DAY.

Also, Texas beat OU.

Technology Continues To Betray

My computer has died. Randomly, without caust, it refuses to turn on. I have taken it in to a Toshiba certified shop, and as we have eliminated most other causes we believe it to be a motherboard problem. Hooray.

That news put me in a foul mood, and the only way to cure foul moods is to go to the gym. In this case, I needed an epic gym trip. I decided to channel the spirit of JJ and Bob, the two gym partners I have been missing dearly since our parting of ways in Hangzhou.

I haven't taken preworkout drinks in a little over a month, and I finished my last cycle of Creatine before returning to America around that time as well. Thus my workouts, while excellent, don't have that epic Bob-insanity level that they had before. I decided that only through the power of Bob's beloved Red Bull could I do that.

As I explained to my friends, for a balanced and truly epic workout you must combine the 5 elements, much like when forming the Power Rangers or Captain Planet. There has to be five:

JJ is the power of smoldering rage, you simply take whatever is bothering you at the time (girlfriend, homework, bowel problems, China) and turn it into sheer willpower. Give homage to the spirit of JJ before working out, and your rage fueled workout will leave you happy and carefree after the workout. Side effects include epic hair.

Dan is the power of epic metal, only through harnessing the power of a well stocked ipod and focusing ones inner spirit can one truly find harmony with the epic gods of metal and have a fulfilling destructive workout. Only through him can you find the power to do 10 sets of pullups and call it a warm up.

Stevo is the power of competition. Oh, you lifted that much last week? Well the Bear Spirit of Stevo will not only add 20 pounds, but he will do 3 more reps than you did with the lighter weight. It shouldn't be humanly possible, but since when is the bear spirit Stevo confined to logic. Pussy.

I bring with me the power of excess. Yes, that weight is dangerously heavy. No, it is not necessary for me to do that many sets of bench press. I'm not sure what you mean by 'rest day' but the concept sounds silly. Embracing the power of Chris requires moderation, it can bring great gains, but within this power also lies the path to overtraining, one of the great sins against the workout gods.

Bob brings the power of insanity. Not controlled insanity, not refined insanity, simply insanity. Embracing the spirit of Bob is what leads people to mix red bull, noxplode, and instant coffee in a nalgene before working out. Bob is the reason 24 hour fitness has a coffee station in the middle of the gym. Bob is a strong man, and he dares any of you to take a run at him.

I combined these elements and had one heck of an epic workout yesterday. I embraced the raging fury within me, bought two red bulls (the non carbonated Chinese version), and with Through The Fire And Flames blaring loudly downed the first in remembrance of JJ in Hangzhou and his love for the occasional single preworkout red bull. I looked at the second, and with a thought of remembrance for Bob and his reckless abandon seen in the concoctions made preworkout in Hangzhou, downed the second Red Bull. My ipod seemed to know that this was not a normal workout, and the shuffle seemed to switch perfectly from Dimmu Borgir to Ayreon to Blind Guardian to Iron Maiden, keeping me supplied with fresh epic workout fueling metal. I began with Dan style pull ups, pushups, and dips to get into the mood, then pointed out the trainer that likes to think he can compete with me to come and be my spotter, loaded 225 onto the squat bar, and the rest became a blur as the 5 elements combined to form whatever we combine to form. I like to think its a gundam or megazord or something.

Man, now I want to workout. CHINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Andrew Jackson

Me: Any ideas on what my presentation should be about?

Mother: OK --just brainstorming here -- skyscrapers, what we eat for breakfast, Andrew Jackson, Chinatowns in America, OU UT game.







Andrew Jackson.

America in 5 Minutes

This week has been simultaneously eventful and yet not much of mention.

I have a new partner my friend introduced me to at the gym. And since I'm me, there is obviously a story attached. She wants to practice her English, which is decent already, and since I already ended my dedicated language pledge with speaking to my mother I decided why not. Turns out this girl is, in the Chinese sense of beauty, an absolute knockout model of perfection. I wouldn't quite echo this sentiment, but after I spoke with her the first time at the gym all the male trainers found me in the locker room and asked me what I thought, what we talked about, if I could introduce them to her, etc. I was the cool kid before due to being white, large, and powerful with my use of the Chinese language, but now I have achieved superstar status after becoming this girls tutor. These people are fascinating sometimes.

Speaking of, the topic is America in 5 minutes. I have been wracking my brain all week trying to think of my topic for my end of semester presentation. At the end of the semester we head to a rural school and give our 5 minute presentation to a class of students using Chinese to introduce something about America. Last year it took me a long time to think of something and finally decide upon football, and this year is just as difficult. Other students are doing Christmas, Thanksgiving, or the NBA, but I feel these topics aren't unique and engaging enough. So far my list has cowboys and barbeque as the top contenders, but I still haven't decided and must do so soon. Just can't think of what to tell them about.

My technology jynx continues. My camera, gameboy, external hard drive, and computer (fan) all continue to betray me at random points and either not load, not charge, or malfunction randomly. However, I still do not trust the mechanics in China to not break my things: America hurry!

I kept starting a topic this week about the things I miss most, but I just couldn't bring myself to go through it all. I wanted to commemorate that I had under a month to go and start getting myself excited about America, but it is still too soon to start doing so without getting too homesick. The majority of the things I missed revolved around Bob and JJ and all the things that I used to do in Hangzhou for fun. I still do some of them in Beijing, but no one understands me.

And perhaps the best news for last, I found and bought the ultimate Christmas gift for myself and the other members of the workout team. I can't say what it is since I don't want to ruin the surprise in case they read this, but I can say it involved long dealings, shady transactions, and possible bribery. Epic gifts are epic.

To The Korea(s)

I originally sent this as an e-mail to Gloria and Sinae, then realized that my non Korean friends may enjoy this, as well.

Dear Koreans I Hold So Dear,

I have begun a trend in China.

I have explained to them that Korea is China's Canada, and that Korea should thusly be blamed in any and all situations with the shaking of the fist and the simple angered yelling of "Hanguoooooo!~". We have translated the "Blame Canada" song into Chinese with the lyrics "Blame Korea", and on the trip to Harbin this previous weekend the trend spread out of our class and into the mainstream like wildfire.

Currently all our teachers, students, and Chinese roommates make daily hand shakings with blaming of Korea ranging from a speaking mistake to a student forgetting homework to stubbing one's toe. When I arbitrarily chose Korea as the country to become "China's Santa Cap" and subject of China's blame I never thought I would make such a big movement.

You are all welcome for me bringing fame to your country.

Love,

Chris Marco
Korean (HANGUOOO) Expert

P.S. Don't forget to turn off your fans before sleeping and avoid fan death.

Seriously, though, the whole Korea thing is getting crazily popular. It is pretty much hilarious.

Harbin Is Far Too Cold

That city was terrifyingly cold. If the weather is that cold I expect to see snow, and there was only bitter chilly wind.

The train ride there was annoying, the guy across from me snored louder than anyone I've ever heard. I had my ipod going on max and could still make out parts of his snoring. The ride back was much better, though I was a bit too wide for the beds on the train.

The city itself is beautiful, the architecture is interesting because it is Russia meets China. We went to a few different cathedrals, mosques, and landmarks like the 731 Germ Warfare Museum and the Harbin Jewish History Museum, but for the most part I didn't really care or have interest in the different places we went. The good news is they at least had some good food. I think the weirdest thing was eating this large bird leg, and then after eating the meat you were supposed to take a straw and suck...something...out of the leg bone (I'm guessing marrow?). It wasn't particularly tasty, nor was it bad, the experience was pretty crazy though.

I am a bit retarded, I managed to lose one of my gloves and my cell phone in the back of a cab. I am in the process of figuring out how to get my phone number back, but I get to spend money buying a new phone as punishment for being dumb.

I am waiting for my friends to post pictures. I took some picturse, but quickly realized that every time I turned on my camera that it was having a problem with the memory card, and that my camera is effectively broken. Trying to figure it out and fix that, but until then I'll just have to steal pictures from friends' facebooks to post here.

Harbin 哈尔滨

I am heading out tonight to Harbin, the capital city of ice and snow and all things miserably cold in the world. It is also coincidentally the capital of the Heilongjiang province, but that comes second.

I am nervous about the cold, but I have prepared well with many layers. There is a tiger park there, apparently if you pay money you can feed chickens, lambs, or even cows to the lions. We are currently planning on pooling some money to put a whole petting zoo of animals in there for the lions to chase around. Only in China.

The election was a point of interest. The students were going crazy all afternoon (your midnight) when the results were coming in favoring Obama. I've never seen people so excited about an election. More intriguing, though, was that the election was called for Obama by the Chinese media hours before CNN or anyone in America dared to call it. It was called suspiciously early, perhaps China got to vote in this election, too?

Oh snap time is here gotta run and get on the train!

Go Bad Walls

I love the spam I get in e-mails. I keep track of the best ones and Dan and I use the best of the excellent engrish phrases in every day speech, but there has long been one that has dominated. I got one spam message that simply stated, "Invaried beanboles, undeported seaboards." and nothing more. No link, no picture, simply the cryptic phrase.

A year has passed since that fateful spam email, and today I finally got another link free pictureless cryptic message. "Late wings spoke, go bad walls." I think someone from the future is telling me something through these random spam emails. I must figure out what it is.

On the China front, I spent the weekend revisiting some of the places I went with the mother and aunt for shopping. Most of the time spent revisiting was all done on one big stretch of road spotted with excellent shops and cafes. Aside from that, I had plans to go to the trophy row until UT lost, and then I just decided to go to the gym and work out instead.

But Chris, what is Trophy Row? Thank you for your curiosity. Last week when we were riding a bus to the forbidden city we passed stopped at a light, and I looked out to see a shop filled with trophies. All they did was engrave and sell trophies, which didn't a bad business model until the bus began moving and you saw that the next 10 or 15 stores on both sides of the street did nothing but sell trophies. It was mind blowing. I need to go take pictures of this phenomenon, and then perhaps get some excellent trophies made for those who deserve them. For example, "Dan - Slayer of Dragons and Savior of Mankind" engraved in Chinese and English on a trophy with a female golfer on top. Or perhaps a, "JJ - Master of the Seven Swords of Salishar and Keeper of the Sacred Flame" in Chinese and English on a race car trophy. The combinations are endless and excellent.

The Stories

The mother has come, and the mother has gone. The Aunt was here with her, and together we made a trifecta of American might. That said, there were obviously some great occurrences along the way. These: are the China files.

Frank - The Meeting
I took the fast train to get to the airport, but since I didn't know the terminal of the continental flight I was unsure of which terminal to get off the train at. I exited the first one we came to in order to check the board, and discovered two other guys that were headed for the same flight. One spoke good Chinese and was from Shanghai, the other was apparently from Singapore, spoke very little Chinese, was leaving for America instead of waiting for people to arrive, and thus was quickly excluded from our cool kids club.

The former was Frank, and due to the plane from America being late we had a long time to discuss every aspect of China. I seem to have a habit of doing this with strangers, it is how I have met most of my friends with connections in China. After exchanging what we did in China, what the people we were picking up did in America, and why the people were coming to China we proceeded to hit up a Starbucks to pass the time. I, being a pansy, opted for orange juice, and he followed suit in typical Chinese fashion. We spent the next hour discussing various things, most important to the story being our plans for our guests. He was showing an important cardiovascular doctor around in a giant convention, and thus we were swapping ideas on where to take foreigners in China. He invited me to come eat with him at a nice restaurant on Friday, and since I wanted to return I invited him to come eat with us on Wednesday.

I should mention at this point that he is attempting to recruit me to help edit his medical journal, and as such it added a bit of pressure for me to look good at the dinners. The first dinner went over without a hitch, I ordered the food well and had a good variety and balance. The second dinner, however, is the true story.

Frank - The Dinner
So I told that story to get to this story. The place he invited us to go to on Friday was a very, very fancy restaurant that featured classy food with performances during the meal. There was Beijing Opera, Beijing Face Changing, Kung Fu, and some other instrumental performances and singing. The most important performance to tell you about was the girl with the pot. She started by laying on her back with her feet straight up in the air and then spinning a big pot around on her feet. After awhile they changed out the big pot for a gigantic 160 pound pot, and I have to admit seeing her spin and juggle that was really impressive due to the imbalance in the pots shape. They then asked for a volunteer from the crowd, and Frank told me that I had to go and thus I did. What happened next was caught on video and will be uploaded in the next few days. They had me sit in the pot, then 6 men lifted the pot and placed it on her legs. She then spun me around for the audience to see before setting me back down. I wasn't concerned about her dropping me as much as I was concerned at the trouble the 6 guys were having with letting me down. Video is coming, I promise.

But I digress. I had originally been under the impression that the dinner would just be the 5 of us again, but upon arrival we discovered that there were in fact 12 people. We were eating with leading cardiologists from two American hospitals, Frank (who is a doctor), two leading cardiologists from China's two most important and largest hospitals, a cardiologist from Singapore, and the guy in charge of a Chinese medical journal. We quickly realized that we were sitting at a power play meeting of Chinese trying to woo American doctors, and we felt extremely awkward and out of place. The other people at the table seemed to be looking at us with the, "Why exactly are you here? Who are you here with? You are important...why?" I proved my usefulness through my Chinese and my knowledge of Chinese culture and food, and thus helped the Chinese and Americans bridge some of the gaps, but the question still remained of why we were here and were we just freeloading off of all the important doctors.

Thus, the place he took us to cost far more than the place we treated him to, but I feel it was fair for him putting us in that crazy situation. It was excellent because the whole dinner it felt like Sarah and my mother were on their best behavior so I would look good in front of my important friends, and I finally understand what my parents had felt like taking me to meet coworkers or important people at dinners. It was a recurring theme, I was basically the parent the entire trip.

Bonus tidbit, I also had to basically feed Sarah to keep Frank from yelling at me in Chinese to take better care of them and make sure they were enjoying themselves.

Ito Yokado - America 1 China 0
The conquering of the Ito Yokado cashier! So Sarah and the mother decided they wanted to purchase some jade, and once they discovered they could pay with credit card got extremely excited.

We make our way from the place were you select what you want to buy to the cashier counter, wait in line, and then present our cards for our purchases. Sarah's goes over without a problem, but Kelly hadn't signed the back of her cards and the cashier lady (who let's be clear now is a antagonist here) refused to accept them.

We were a bit rankled by this, but we decided we'd just walk away, sign them, and try again. So we did that, and upon returning to the counter she grew indignant and said, "You signed these just now didn't you!" I thought to myself that she sure had made a brilliant deduction, and went into Chinese confrontation mode. We argued for a bit, but she refused to take the cards and when we walked away in defeat looked very proud of herself.

The lady at the jade counter, angered by why she couldn't make a sale, went over to raise hell on our behalf. While she did so, I told all the other clerks around us our story, and they were all on our side and ready to back up the big jade lady. Managers got involved, and since China loves their rules and technicalities we were unable to win despite the jade lady being on our side.

We went up a floor to shop for some toys while trying to think of how to buy the jade, as coming back the next day with our cards signed was not very convenient. We were thinking of pooling our cash and then going to get money out of the ATM, but instead mother and Sarah came up with some complicated deal and that involved Sarah buying the jade on her card for Kelly.

Excited about our new plan and determined to defeat the cashier, Sarah and I walked over and got in line. The lady saw us behind the person she was helping, and shook her head and said to herself that foreigners never learn. I am fairly certain she thought that Sarah was Kelly (sisters + all white people look alike), but upon getting to the front of the line she realized what our new strategy was. She panicked, and in her desperation to not lose to the foreigners after taking Sarah's card got on the phone to call the manager from before. She didn't want to sell it to us, to which the manager responded asking if there was a problem with this card, when she admitted there was no problem the manager told her to sell it because duhhhh money and sales are gooood. After having us use her system against her and being beaten by her own rules, she angrily swiped the card and loudly stamped the receipts. It was our turn to be proud of ourselves as we walked away from the counter.

America 1, China 0.

Tiananmen Closed

This is just a small side story really, I don't think it even needs its own bold title as I am fairly certain I figured out the mystery behind the story, but seeing as how I need to have something to offset the good stories, I'll let the story feel special and let it keep the title.

We went to Tiananmen following our trip to the Forbidden City, but I was confused at first by the lack of people and the presence of cars. I checked to get my bearings, and was certain that we were at Tiananmen. All the underground pathways to cross the street and enter the square were closed, so I asked a nearby guard what the deal was. He apologized, and then said that he was sorry for the inconvenience but was unable to tell me why. When I pressed him for if it would be open tomorrow, he responded with, "Not necessarily." Though I was happy that I was learning the Chinese methods of secrecy and confidentiality, I was sad that I couldn't take my family to the square.

I am fairly certain it was closed for the Asian-European summit due to top European leaders being in China. Though who knows...perhaps there is a bigger story here.

Guest Post: Mother In China

All -- this is a guest blog from Chris' Mom. I arrived in China last week Tuesday and this morning am packing to leave. I can not believe that a week has flown by so quickly. And, what a week it was!!

We arrived with Chris waiting for us outside the gate. He had met a friend waiting for our one hour late plane. It turned out to be a coup for us as he joined us for dinner that evening and then invited us to a dinner and a show on Friday night.

Hotel Man -- Robin/Sean was waiting for us at our Hotel. What a grand Hotel. Marble and gold everywhere in the lobby. We checked in ran upstairs to put together the gifts we brought for Hotel Man/Robin/Sean and then presented them.

It was muggy and foggy before we arrived. The calm before the storm. It rained that night on our way back to the hotel and then turned chilly. But a nice chilly. Absolutely perfect weather -- crisp air, blue skys, awesome. Thank you China.

The food has been absolutely tremendous!!!!!! Stupendous!!! Delicious!!!!! Day one was Peking Duck. Day 2 Purple Bread, Fish Stew, and Dumplings, Beers on the Lake. Day 3 Corn Yogurt and Purple Bread, KFC on Wang Fu Shen Shopping District, Peking Opera Dinner. Day 4 Red Bean Yogurt and Purple Bread, Fragrant Pot, McDonalds at 9pm (got caught on subway and Chinese Restaurants had stopped serving). Day 5 Dim Sum, Hot Pot! Day 6 Hotel Buffet Breakfast, Snacks at the Mall (Green Tea Bun and Crab Custard Bun), Noodles at 'The Hallway'. Day 7 plan is for breakfast at Hotel and Lunch with Hotel Man. Suffice it to say we ate VERY well!

We saw The Wall, The Malls, Carrefour (think Chinese Walmart), Forbidden City, Tiammen Square, Chris in a terra cotta pot upheld by a small Chinese girl on a bench, Pearl Market, Nanlougu Market, Arts District, Night Market, Hutongs (Sarah and I did a bit of our own off the path exploring),Beijing Zoo and the Pandas, Tea House, Beijing at night, Beijing in a cab, Beijing on a Bus, Beijing on a subway and Beijing on foot. We got around.

We have had a lot of fun, laughed a lot. This city is incredible. Chris was an excellent tour guide. He negotiated the subways and buses with ease. He helped us our purchasing. He laughed at our poor attempt at Chinese yet worked with us to improve. We were in awe (and increaingly stay in awe) of his language and cultural skills. His friends are amazing .

We enjoyed the people and people watching. The people, cars, buses move as one and no one waits on the other. People in travel are one minded -- get out of my way. Yet, as we pondered over a map or tried to figure out where we were in a mall, people would stroll over and help us out. It is a very quiet and clean city. We didn't see a laundry mat. We heard very, very, maybe one siren. For a city this large, no fire trucks and ambulances dispatched every 5 minutes. Honking is done to gently make aware the presence of a car to walkers and bikers. Cars use all the lanes on the freeway, even the invisible lanes between lanes.

Sarah and I were a bit leery of the toilet situation. We are converts now! We love the squatters. Our first squat was on The Wall.

We love split pants. We love to see families in power squat position resting. We love to say Ni Hao and practice our Shey Shey everywhere. We love to torture Kelly with the question game.

I have left a ton out, so those who know me ask for the great stories, I took notes in my journal daily. I also took close to 500 pictures and several videos. And Chris, from the bottom of my heart and Sarah's -- Xiexie.

Great Wall

The great wall is far too large. The first character in the Chinese name for the great wall is 'long', and I feel that is a much more honest description of what the Great Wall is.

We took a 3 hours bus to get to a section of the wall that was a bit out of the way and not the usual tourist spot. This spot had not been repaired yet, and some of the sections were downright dangerous - there were moments were I was climbing at a 75 degree incline.

The wall was impressive, I guess. I'm not really one to get impressed by it, and after hiking for 3 hours all good feelings had turned to fatigue and smoldering hatred. It was interesting to think of how it was built though, it was so massive and if climbing it made me so tired I can't imagine building it. In some of the parts where the stones were loose you could pick up a flagstone or two and realize it was not light labor. In addition, people not only had to live up here but do patrols and move military equipment. Thinking about that blew my mind a bit, but since I was racing to be the first to hike from our starting point to our ending point I didn't have time to stand around like an idiot.

I was, of course, the first one to get to our destination. We descended the wall and went into a nearby village where the program had arranged hotels for us. We didn't have to stay in the hotels if we didn't want to, but it did provide a good place to place our bags and hang out until nightfall. Our hotels were the historical Chinese houses that were all the rage a century ago, and the architecture was beautiful. It was cool to see these housing complexes in movies come to life before your eyes. Even cooler was the Mahjong table we had inside our sleeping room. I'm not sure why, but we were the only group with the table in our rooms, and thus we became the social hub. To top it off, the magical Mahjong table was electric, and it sorted all the pieces for you and racked them and wow it blew my mind.

I had videos of the Mahjong table, pictures of the unrestored portions of the wall, and more, but sadly my Camera bugged up and erased all of those pictures. We discovered this when I took out my camera to take pictures before going to bed, and had to take a few panic pictures of the wall before we left in the morning. Sadly this was the restored portion, so you only get a general idea. In addition, due to the lighting most of those pictures turned out crappy, so there's that.

Night at the great wall is cold. Too cold. We were all wearing multiple pairs of socks, pants, shirts, hoodies, and jackets inside of our thermal sleeping bags, and it was still cold. The only thing that kept me excited enough not to freeze to death were the updates of the OU game being texted to me by Sam back in Beijing. (Hook 'Em by the way)

Despite the cold, we did manage to sneak to a darker part of the wall and pee off the wall into the abyss below. It had to be done. It was premeditated. It was awesome.

At about 3 in the morning we all woke up from the sheer cold and discovered that the sky above was just a mass of shooting stars. I had never seen nighttime sky like it before, it was magical.

I think that covers the basic great wall. Figured I'd write something despite my frustration with the internet and the pictures before I forgot everything. Here is a picture of me and my burnt orange sleeping bag, a picture of me on the wall, and then a video of the surroundings of where we slept in the morning.

The Internet

Does not want to cooperate. We've been having internet problems the last few weeks, and the internet has thus only been available when I don't need it. Every time I actually find time to sit down and write the internet is not working, lately it's been down about 90% of the time during the day/night.

I have backlogs to write that probably won't get written as I am preparing now to go to the Great Wall tomorrow morning, and I feel that writing about that will take precedence.

Here's to hoping I have a great adventure.

The Magic of China's Medicine

Chinese people, I was told before, know their 拉肚子 (laduzi - diarrhea, sounds better in Chinese), and now I believe that.

I was given 3 medicines yesterday, I was to take the first one immediately, 3 hours later take the second, then 1-3 hours later when my stomach started to hurt take the third. I was told not to take the final, big daddy pill until my stomach began hurting. I was also told if it started hurting before I could take it. So I took the first 2 and still had no reprieve from the upset stomach symptoms, and like clockwork an hour after taking the 2nd one my stomach began to hurt. Thus at 4am I took the third one, and it knocked me right out. When I woke up my problems were gone, and I've been fine all day today with no issues whatsoever. It was like the third one nuked my digestive tract so hard it knocked me unconscious, and while I slept Chairman Mao himself entered my intestines and showed them who was boss.

I love being healthy again.

The Chinese Hospital

Been sick all weekend with what I am fairly certain is either food poisoning or a really bad reaction to some unclean food, I'm pretty sure it happened when I ate something I'd left in the refrigerator for far too long. In any case, I got to have a wonderful lesson in the differences between the Chinese and American hospitals.

I opted to go to a real Chinese hospital instead of one of the English speaking foreign ones, and the experience was fantastic. I was scared of dehydration so I had been drinking lots of fluids all afternoon, and when I did the urine sample it came out clear as a result of all the liquids I'd been drinking and she didn't believe it was my urine, she thought I'd spit in it. Aside from that, the main part of excitement was talking with the doctor and being able to understand and answer all of the questions. She's got me on some medicine with English names that sound powerful and strong, so I am certain I will return to full health in no time.

This One's For The 爷们儿 (Real Men)

I've given up eating a lot of my favorite dishes in my recently began effort to get my body fat percentage a bit lower, and as a result I have begun cooking some fantastic fusion. I mix Mexican, Italian, American, and Chinese cuisine together to make some fantastic healthy dishes, tonight involved chicken, bell pepper, spicy pepper, garlic stir fry. Whenever I cook I have an audience of girls wanting to learn from me, most of the guys in China are too cool or traditional to learn how to cook, their loss. They are a bit shocked by the amount of eggs I eat every day, but aside from that they are eager to learn my recipes and habits. I am already acting as personal trainer at the gym for two girls at the moment, and more are trying to get set up with times with me. This all exploded in the last week as people coming into the kitchen to grab their milk or leftovers saw me cooking massive meals - my habit is to cook several dishes to last me for a few days of variety eating, just stir fry or microwave a bit to reheat - and it is a bit overwhelming.

This is for JJ, Dan, Steve-o and all the others who must listen to metal and pump iron every day, we are like sharks and if we stop we will die. The 爷们儿。

Lately, I've been listening to copious amounts of Evergrey while studying or walking to the gym. My actual gym music has been dominated by throwbacks to Symphony X (Paradise Lost album), Iron Maiden, and Persuader. In addition, I've been listening to a lot of Ensiferum and Kamelot to get some new music in the mix. The latest great discovery I've made though is listening to the Ayreon I got from Dan. JJ, go get Aryeon right now, it is great listening music (not exactly gym material).

This is a Bad Idea

中秋节 - Mid Autumn Festival

Mid Autumn Festival happened yesterday, the holiday designated for spending time with family members. Since I didn't have any family in China, I spent the day learning how to make Chinese food with Chinese people and the night out looking at the lights and moon.

I made all sorts of goodies, but the most important/impressive is my ability to now make and wrap dumplings. And or the naysayers out there, such as Jessica Lin who insists that it is difficult to make them pretty, I would like to say mine were moderately attractive and showed definite improvement over the course of making about 50 of them
.
After the giant lunch/dinner, we took a long journey to a big fancy park bedecked with giant art displays adorned with lights. The majority of them looked like holiday floats made for showcasing during the night with blinking lights, and some of them shot water or rotated to music. Mixed in with all of this was all the ancient architecture of the park itself, namely the bridges, which were also bedecked with lights for the holiday. The tradition is to go out and look at the moon, but since it was overcast and a bit smoggy we opted to look at the lights instead of the slightly gross yellow moon.

I would show you pictures of all this, but I forgot to charge my camera the night before and there was no charge left when I went to grab it for picture time. Yes, I am quite dumb.

100 RMB in the Subway

Yesterday, after leaving the internet cafe I go to for my post test celebration, I decided to stop and add some money to my subway card before boarding and heading home. I didn't need to, I still had enough money to last me for about a week, but I figured that now would be a good time since I wasn't in a hurry. I was wrong.


I followed all the instructions well, but when it came time to put in my money the machine took my 100RMB bill and didn't put the money on my card, just threw my card back out at me without asking me if I wanted to put the money on the card. I turned and asked the nearest Traffic Police attendant person what to do about it, and thus began what seemed like a gigantic event in their lives. I had witnesses to prove that I had put in my money, hadn't done anything wrong, and been cheated by the ominous machine, but still every person that came to investigate was incredulous that the machine could fail. How could the machine fail? It's the machine! It's new and improved and designed to make our lives either and would never betray us and cause us trouble! I feel, after writing that, that there is probably political satire in there somewhere, but I'm too lazy to find it and make it less obvious or more crafty since it wasn't really intentional. In any case, more and more higher ups kept coming down from wherever they come from, each one having the same investigation progress:

Oh you speak Chinese? Good! Your card didn't get the money? Well let's look for ourselves. Hm, you're right, no money. You followed the instructions correctly? Okay, that can't be. Oh these witnesses say you did it right? Okay, this is odd, let me talk to someone else, please wait a moment.

I waited for about 2 hours as different people came and went, and really I didn't care about the money in the end I just wanted to get on the train. They, however, had committed to solving the foreigners problem and they were determined not to be denied. They went behind the machine and took out parts of it trying to get the money thing open. After what must have been a long time fiddling with that, it was evident they didn't know how to get it open and weren't going to succeed. One of the ladies with relatively high status as indicated by her armband and some stars on her shirt asked me if I was sure I had put the money in, and if so perhaps the thing had spit the money back out onto and it had been blown in a breeze onto the floor. I wanted to tell her I wasn't retarded, and that for it to both spit out the money and then that money to be taken by a strong enough breeze to fall down I would need to have a severe problem, as the money accepting slot is in the middle of the machine and I never looked away. I indulged her though, and let her and 4 other police officers crawl around on the floor searching. It was touching.

In the end, the machine defeated them. They could not manage to make it cooperate. They took my phone number and said they'd call me today to get my money back to me, finally letting me go on my way. I'm fairly certain I won't see that 100RMB again, but I'm glad they at least let me go. The one thing I kept thinking throughout the entire ordeal was what if I were a foreigner who didn't speak Chinese? The main reason I got the level of help I did was because my Chinese was good enough to poke holes in their dumb theories and explain what the real problem was, if I were just a foreigner I wonder how fantastically blown out of control things would have gotten. A man can dream.

On a quick after note, Ron from Hangzhou (from America) came to Beijing to visit for a bit. We went to an awesome restaurant last night specializing in spicy stuff and something called ma, which they think is spicy but is in fact a tool of the devil. This is a taste/effect that American food does not have, it is a type of spicy that after eating sometimes causes the wasabi like sinus clean out, but then the real effect kicks in as you start getting weird tingles on your tongue or lips as though your mouth were going to sleep. To round it out, the taste is pretty good, too, so I take it as a challenge to see how much crazy ma la stuff I can eat whenever we go somewhere like this. I forgot to take my camera because I am an idiot, but we ate some excellent (read, expensive) fish, some vegetables, rabbit meat, and snail. The snail was excellent, it came with a plastic glove and skewer to wear and you had to work it out of its shell before you could eat it. It tasted amazing. The rabbit was the most punishing of the dishes, it came last and was just swimming in the peppers that give the dishes their signature taste. Slowly people around the table tapped out as they reached their limit of spicy/ma la, and it was up to me to finish the dish. The end result was us walking away from the with runny noses, sweating, and drooling uncontrollably trying to fan ourselves as we set off on a quest for ice cream and water.

It was a good night.

THE MYSTICAL PURPLE BREAD

BEHOLD!

Mmm Fancy Restaurants

Yesterday I went and researched the different types of tea China has to offer at a local tea shop. It was partly for class, but I really do need to learn this stuff so I can show my mother the best tea places in China when she gets here and sound like I know my stuff. I am still trying to find White Tea for Dan, it is rather rare here as well, the lady at the tea shop has ordered some for me to try, so I need to wait a few days on that. Bought a whole heap of tea to add to my collection, including all the fun types that bloom into giant flowers and such when placed in tea. I've got herbal tea, floral tea, black tea, everything. I will be the tea master when I get back, even if I still don't really like the taste at all.

Today, after giving my report on tea, I went back to the New Century Hotel Nikko to meet with the infamous hotel man and get a room for my mother and aunt to stay in come October. This time I came prepared, dressed nicely and expecting a much larger even than merely showing off hotel rooms.

I am glad I prepared. He took me around and showed me off to different people, for 15 minutes we basically walked around the hotel showing off the amazing Chinese speaking white man, I am glad I made him proud. We took a look at different rooms, some of them frighteningly nice, and according to the brochure frighteningly expensive, but due to our long friendship I was told not to look at those prices. In the end I settled on the standard room, which although is standard is called the 'deluxe room' and is normally in the 2300 RMB range. I got it for 630. Connections baby, connections.

Following the show and tell and the room decision, we went to eat in yet another restaurant in that the hotel has. I have no idea how many restaurants are hidden in there but it seems ridiculous, I think every floor has a fancy and different restaurant. We ate some gloriously delicious things. First we had a soup that was both sweet and spicy, I couldn't quite figure out how but the combination blew my mind. We had this meat that I am convinced is the best of western and asian cuisine blending. It was basically beef as tender as a fillet mignon covered with onions and a sauce with a very distinct Asian flavor. It was fantastic, and only beaten by the excellent 肉饼, which is basically this fantastic concoction with a layer of bread, then meat, then bread, then meat, then bread. I can't really describe it without using Chinese. This is a bad sign. The place was ridiculously fancy though, so I am excited for those two to hurry up and get here.

你说的英文very good!

I had a girl misspeak to today and tell me "你说的英文very good!" "You speak English very good (should be well, but she is having trouble with nouns so I'm letting that go)" attempting to make a joke and instead looking like an idiot in front of all her co-workers. Rest assured, I definitely made fun of her, too.

Lately been extremely busy being responsible and writing essays. My Chinese class is far too easy, and to prove that I should be put in a level by myself I've been writing 600 character essays to turn in every day. They give us a bunch of topics from what we study during the week to write about expecting us to turn one essay in on Friday, but I've so far turned one in every day this week. That'll teach them to put me in a level too easy for me.

Probably not.

The gym has been fantastic, the notable difference is that people like Trunks and DMS (see me for stories) are not there, and that you don't have to do the ridiculous weights they do with 0 form and 100% cheating to get respect. It is just a cleansing feeling really. Aside from that, there is also an excellent warning on one of the adjustable ab benches I've been meaning to take a picture. It states that if the machine is "used in improperly you will be damned", so every time I work my abs I laugh to myself because that means all the Chinese people I see flopping around on the bench are totally going to hell for it.

The roommates moved in awhile back, and we of course celebrated the first night with some authentic Beijing 串儿 (MEAT ON A STICK). It's pretty much the most awesome thing available on a wooden stick for 1 RMB. Pictures and more to come.

Students Arrive

The students have arrived, and I am concerned about what class I will be in. We took our placement tests today, and I must admit though long it was ridiculously easy. I am, however, a bit concerned as to whether or not I will have anyone else in my level. When we were having our lecture from the local Police Bureau on what to do and what not to do, the officer would first speak Chinese and then the RD would translate. When she paused for a moment for questions about passports, I questioned her about something she had just said and told a short story about Sam and how she had been asked by policemen on the street for her passport and hukou. The problem was, I did this all in Chinese instead of going through the Resident Director. When I spoke Chinese, murmurs went through the room and it was clear that none of the other students had understood me. Whenever I speak with the students I can tell that the aren't at my level, and they all think/thought I was another Resident Director here. If I am in a level by myself I will be very sad.

I did, however, get to lead the tours today. Which turned out to be a good thing, because the roommates that had come a day early to lead the tours definitely did not speak enough English to lead the tour properly. Most of the people wanted to go with me when we split into two groups, and it was sad to see the other two Chinese roommates go off with only a few students while I took a huge group. I showed them around to different places, namely the gym. I definitely hit the gym and got to negotiate a group discount rate with the boss, I felt like a badass just bargaining for it, very professional. I'll give you one example of the bad english skills of the Chinese roommate that had come with me. When we got the big department store, we again split into two groups, I took the people who wanted to buy cell phones and cell phone plans up to do that while she took students to the supermarket. Why she chose the easier task I don't know, but before we split off we exchanged phone numbers in case either of us had a problem. She had a problem however, she called me just as we were finishing up buying all the phones and asked where I was. She sounded panicked, and asked me to come down to the supermarket because she had a problem. I rushed downstairs, literally ran down the escalator. The problem? A student wanted to buy a soap dish. He didn't know how to say it in Chinese (or much else in Chinese), and she had no idea what soap dish was in English. For some reason she thought it was urgent and that he really needed his soap dish. Don't worry, the situation was resolved, we found him a soap dish.

Aside from that, I had fun doing the tour guide, and later on I got to co-host the discussion about roommates in China with the resident director. It really is like I am working here, I love it. My teachers all say my accent has changed though. They say I speak a lot better, but I sound very southern now. Oh well. They also say I have lost weight, one of the teachers didn't recognize me since I apparently left last year with more hair and not being as skinny, then when she saw my name on my test as I turned it in looked at me, then at the paper, then at me and yelled my name - disrupting all the other students testing.

Also got a warm welcome from the cafeteria guys I used to play basketball against, and got to play a little 2 on 2 with them today.

Also, I don't know if I wrote about our favorite past-time in Hangzhou before but I am writing it (possibly again) here. We loved to go out the main gate on our way to the gym because there was this bridge with a speed bump at the end of it. When we got to the bottom of the bridge, we would look up at the bikes coming downhill hopelessly fast straight at the speed bump. Normally they would see white people and stare at us, not noticed the speed bump waiting to destroy their crotches and future children. We would derive so much joy out of seeing guys rack themselves, and I thought I had left that behind in Hangzhou. Tonight, however, I discovered that one of the potholes is hard to see in the dark, and one guy on a motor scooter nailed it. It is fantastic, when something like that happens the whole world slows down like the Matrix. First you see him collide, and his face contorts with the expression of, "Oh no! What have I done! My children!". Then, midway through the jump, they realize they have a back wheel, and you can see their face change as they futilely attempt to swerve or rise up and avoid the impending second hit, but their body is still in shock from the initial impact, and they are helpless as they collide again. It is the single most hilarious series of faces in the history of Chinese facial expressions. And that is the mental image I will leave you with.

Back in My Comfort Zone

Yesterday while I was asleep the door opened, and in walked Sam's roommates back from vacation. They had no problem with me staying a bit longer, but it felt cramped and I felt like I was imposing on them, so I decided to make some phone calls and see if CET would let me into the dorms early despite denying me earlier. Much to my surprise, they let me move in early for a still undetermined price per night. Somewhere between 100 and 280 RMB a night, they'll have me pay money later when they decide.

Thus today I went to the gym and then visited my old favorite restaurant for dinner:老边饺子 (laobianjiaozi - don't translate it in a translater). As soon as I walked in I was swarmed by all the servers who remembered me, and I had to tell explain why I was back and tell stories of Hangzhou. It was a fantastic welcome, and even better they still have all the good food from before. This is the place that got me hooked on jiaozi(dumplings), and I insist they have the best in all of Beijing. They are also the origination of my green bean obsession with 干边四季豆 (ganbiansijidou) and 干扁豆角(ganbiandoujiao). I got some 糖酥里脊 (tangsuliji), or sweet and sour pork/chicken as you may know it. It is a bit different here in China, and whether I get pork or chicken seems to depend on the place I go, the name doesn't change for some reason. I also got the latter of the aforementioned green bean dishes, and some rice. I will be going back with a friend for their dynamite dumplings because there is so much variety to choose from I'll need the help eating it.

Also, I am not posting or talking about the field hockey game for two reasons. One, China lost and it was very depressing. Second, why on earth is field hockey an olympic sport but football isn't. Synchronized swimming, field hockey, and ribbon dancing (Rhythm Gymnastics is a nice word for it) should not be Olympic activities. Period.

So there is that. Now: soccer pictures.

First, a video of them building the olympic stage. I thought it was hilarious because when they started they seemed to have no idea what they were doing and changed formation a few times. They then brought out too many blocks and had to turn around and carry them back. Fantastic organization.


This is the tasty meat dish I mentioned earlier.

And these are the green beans. This differs from the other variety in that it has a very strong cilantro like effect, I am not sure what exactly the green vegetable added to give it that taste is.


Simply a picture of the three teams about to board the newly constructed stage. Notice who is in the middle. Oh yeah, not you Brazil, you cry on your lower platform. They actually did cry, I don't know if you can see it in the picture.


Okay one picture from the field hockey game, Ron and I dressed up undercover to fool the Chinese into thinking we are one of them.



I found this funny, the Diabetes Hospital No. 01, implying there are more around Beijing. I feel like America needs some of these.


This is a picture I got with the first few people who lined up to take pictures with me. I insisted I document the moment. Symphony X, ice cream, soda, flag, goofy face, forearms larger around than that guys neck. I am leaking America.


CAPRI SUN. THIS HAS MADE ME SO HAPPY. This, and jollypong. Mmm Korean snackfood, it comes with its own mini plastic shovel so you can get fatter faster. Koreans do it right, cheez-its need a shovel.




And last but not least... for those of you who enjoy Battlestar Galactica...CYLON COFFEE! AHHH:

Redeem Team

REDEEMED!

People in China are going crazy over this game.

美国加油！

Went to see America vs Brazil in the womens soccer finals yesterday and it was so amazing. I sang the national anthem loudly before the game, and even louder and more proudly after the gold medal was secured. I have never before cared about soccer or had much interest in watching it, but once you watch your own country playing live for a gold medal all that changes. It seemed like most of the Chinese were pro-Brazil, making the stadium make-up approximately 2/3 in favor of Brazil. It was just indescribable, I will do a picture dump tomorrow after I watch the field hockey finals tonight. China will be in those finals, this should be absolutely insane.

Before the game Ron and I went and haggled to buy large American flags to drape over ourselves and wear to the game. The result of wearing those flags were lots of Chinese people lining up to take pictures with me. Last year when I came to China I never experienced this type of treatment, so I must admit it caught me a bit off guard. I misunderstood the first people that came to have pictures taken with me, I thought they wanted me to take a picture for them not with them. After I understood I wanted a picture with them, too, after all it was just as novelty for me as it was for them being my first time being blindly adored as a foreigner before. A bit later we also had two Chinese guys come and try and buy one of our American flags. They explained in Chinese that they loved America and really wanted to buy a flag to wave during the game, but Ron and I were both willing to sell ours and definitely didn't want to try and profit of our own nation's flag. It was really weird sensation of pride having them want to bear our flag.

I previously made the assertion that everyone in China viewed locker room time as get naked and talk time, but after my time in Hangzhou I must revise my statement to say that this behavior seems to be uniquely Beijing. I never experienced in Hangzhou the strange phenomenon I have seen at both gyms in Beijing where as soon as they have entered the locker room men strip naked and start conversations about everything. You can even hear loud jovial conversations coming from the shower rooms. I still can't get accustomed to just stripping down and carrying on conversations with strangers.

Phelps is a Big Deal

Despite China winning lots of gold medals, Michael Phelps and our basketball team is totally stealing the show. With Yao Ming and the basketball team struggling and Liu Xiang the hurdler out with an injury, we are China's heroes. It is pretty much hilarious.

In a related note:

Into the Unknown

Today I begin on a trek with my friend to her home (老家 how else to translate that) in 石家庄市 (Shijiazhuang City) in 深泽县 (Shenze Xian). She was one of the roommates in Hangzhou, and we became good enough friends at that time that she invited me to come visit her during the school break when she returned home since it is just outside Beijing. She has spent the last few days in Beijing, and this morning we are going to buy bus tickets to ride there together. We were going to stay up all night and watch the flag raising ceremony in the morning (complete with music and scary troops!), but she didn't make it past 3 AM. I still haven't slept since sleeping for under 4 hours does me no good, so I am currently wired on caffeine and anxiety about traveling to rural China. She thinks I won't be able to get accustomed to the life their, and is impressed that I am trying to stay for a few days rather than just 1. We'll see how this goes, I am returning on my own so it is simply a matter of how long I am willing to endure whatever it is I face out there.

I am ready to get stared at. The journey begins.

Edit : the journey ended on the way there. I was exhausted from the all night the night before and collapsed on the bus ride there. I scared the high hell out of some Chinese people even though I was only down for like 10 seconds apparently.

Sometimes I Get Bored

I have been busy out of my mind entertaining guests the last few days, I've had to schedule all my lunches and dinners. I did manage to find some time in there to spend some money on Olympic tickets, so I will be going to see the Women's Soccer Finals and the Women's Field Hockey Finals. The latter won't be very exciting, but I figured after I went to one event I would want to go to others just for the yelling and screaming and cheering part.

I got bored the other day and perused the emoticons available to me on the phone I bought in China. Some of them are weird and seem to have no use, like the snowboarder and snail. Then there are some that I think are hilarious, like Dolly Parton or - even better - Ronald Reagan. 7:^] Why does a Chinese phone have a Ronald Reagan emoticon? Why don't American phones have them? When do I have a chance in text messages to be discussing Ronald Reagan and then send the appropriate text message with my post? When in China do I have that opportunity? "The way China is running these olympics is totally trickle down supply side economics 7:^]" or "Them Russians in Georgia think the cold war is over, they are so wrong 7:^]". God I love China.

Went to the Zoo yesterday. PANDAS! Panda videos! Enjoy. Video problems, post it later I guess.

Ramblings of Beijing Madman

And now for random, unconnected thoughts from Beijing to catch you up on the last busy week.
Each class level chose one student to give a speech at the graduation dinner, and I was elected by our class to deliver ours. The problem was, I partly forgot and partly didn't have time to prepare, and when they called me up I had to do some fantastic improvising. I tossed my camera to my friend hoping he would take a picture, not realizing that he would instead video tape the entire thing. So we have evidence, it actually happened. The speech went well, apparently I spoke quite fluently and impressively because I was swarmed afterwards by some recruiters. They had come to pass out flyers to anyone interested in teaching English, and after hearing my speech and discovering from my teachers I was going to Beijing they attacked.
And to continue the trend of being swarmed by Chinese people interested in knowing what I think, the next morning JJ and I got interviewed by the paper for the Olympics. We told them all about how we felt about Yao Ming and basketball, and as a result I got my name in the headline on page A17: "Foreign Student Chris Marco Says". Except it is in Chinese, of course. I have a copy of the paper, and it can be seen online here at http://jrzb.zjol.com.cn/html/2008-08/09/content_3426638.htm. I am pretty much famous in China now, all 25 people who made it to the 17th page without falling asleep now know who I am. I'm kind of a big deal.
Spent some time in the night market with JJ and Bob helping them find presents before they left. I had lots of fun putting them in awkward situations. I didn't want to buy anything, so whenever a lady asked if I needed help I told them that I had no idea what to buy, but my friend Bob was looking for the perfect gift for his girlfriend and could really use some help. A few times this backfired because they became fascinated with me speaking Chinese and forgot to sell things, but most of the time it worked, and I not only got to shop in peace but also got the entertainment of sales people smelling blood in the water and circling him to sell the perfect rose scented Chinese warrior tea doll.
I said my sad goodbyes, but it still really hasn't sunk in yet that I've left Hangzhou. I miss it already, though I think I miss the routine I'd gotten used to more than I actually miss the city. The people I genuinely miss, but I don't have much time to mourn them while trying to juggle all the friends who want to eat lunch or dinner with me now that I'm back in Beijing. I managed to get two people who knew each other to go out with me at once today, but for the most part I've had to schedule lunches and dinners for the next few days to show all my friends I truly didn't forget about them while in that big, strange country known as America.
Before I got to Hangzhou, though, I had to make it through the airport alive. The airport itself wasn't too hard, but once we were on the plane we didn't taxi, we just sat for half an hour. We got a message about 15 minutes in that "the plane had been delayed because of the plane delay," which if you didn't understand the Chinese before it is hilariously confusing. Luckily I was paying attention, and we had basically been delayed because other delayed flights needed to use the runway and that all flights were getting pushed back, but I delighted in the delay due to delay anyways. The flight itself wasn't bad, aside from drinking way too much orange juice and talking to the Chinese family next to me while eyeing the line for the bathroom, squirming and frightening them.
The first night in Beijing we went out to a bar near the foreign quarter to eat and watch the olympics. The girl I'm staying with's boyfriend was with us, and since he has some long term friendship going with the bar we got free food and drinks all night. It was the first of many free things I've had since getting to Beijing, everyone keeps treating me to everything it is overwhelming. In any case, I had the Ceasar salad, which was terrible. I followed it up with the nachos, which while bad by American standards had jalapenos and guacamole (most likely both from cans) and thus was fantastic. Eventually the game started, and though the nimble Chinese and their 3 pointers kept up for awhile, the game quickly got out of hand in favor of the large scary foreigners. It was at that time I realized I was the only one in the bar that was for the American team. The other foreigners were European that from conversations I overheard apparently equated American basketball success with American hegemony, and the majority of the bar were Chinese people. I was betting with the Chinese girl to my left what the gaps at the end of the quarters would be, and I felt really bad when the gap I guessed was only half the size of the actual margin. We got out of the bar pretty fast fearing some type of vengeful anti-American basketball mob.
Today I went with my gym friends from before to their new gym to get a membership. They apparently have a new place they work at, and I got a really good deal on a membership card. I got double the time I got in Hangzhou for literally 2/3 the price, creating a fraction my brain can no longer handle. We went out to lunch at a nearby restaurant for fish round two. Last time I went out to eat with them I ended up biting into the bony, crunchy tail of a fish thinking that it was edible and intended for consumption. Yes, dumb. This time they ordered fish with no bones. Looks like we are both learning.
I am so excited about the food in Beijing. The restaurants I all love are still here, and I can't wait to get my fill of dumplings and fried pig stomach and peppers and green beans and oh I am excited.
It has been very weird wandering some of the familiar streets. With the exception of some little things the streets I frequented before haven't changed at all, they are outside of Olympic jurisdiction and maintain all the charms and quirks from before. I am excited to be back in Beijing.

Last Week of Hangzhou Class

My elbow has been continuing to bother me, and since I'd rather have elbow pain than lift less than 300 pounds, I've gone on a quest to find Icy Hot. Bob has jumped on board with me as he needs something to take out the pain in his dislocated shoulder. He dislocated it a week or two ago during the basketball game, but he claims it isn't as serious as the times before when he has had to have surgery to repair it, and is thus working out still and doing less weight. It was fantastic, for the first week he just had his arm in a sling and did squats on the smith press using one arm to stabilize it. In any case, the two of us who apparently can't listen to the obvious signs are bodies are giving us have been dragging JJ with us in search of stores with medicines to offer us. The first thing Bob found was some type of Tiger Balm, which smells terrible and doesn't seem to have much effect on his shoulder. I opted not to use it. Today, in a moment of desperation, I decided to wander into a Chinese pharmacy since our bus was taking a while to arrive. I explained my problem, and the pharmacist showed me to two items. The first was something she insisted was the perfect fit for my problem, and the other was something else that might help and have the same basic function. I looked at the first one, not really understanding the Chinese or English list of ingredients, and thus moved on to examining the second. What was the second one? Lidocaine, 利多卡因. I may be mistaken, but I was fairly certain that lidocaine required a prescription. Needless to say we bought the spray on lidocaine, and Bob is trying it on his shoulder tonight. This country is fantastic, maybe if this doesn't work we can find horse steroids or something.

Everyone around me is getting so excited and talking about the last week of class and how they are almost ready to go home, and I am having trouble relating to them. I still have months to go, so I feel kind of weird being the only one continuing. On a related note, I need to decide if I want to take a plane or train to Beijing. I originally wanted to do the train, but I realized that with a train ride that long I'm destined to end up sitting next to 'that guy' who wants to talk to the American the entire ride. We had voting last week for "Most likely to...", and while I don't think anyone voted for me as "most likely to kill a Chinese person" before, if they saw me on a train after a few hours in that environment I might be the winning candidate. I am not sure how much trouble it is getting a plane ticket though, so I am still trying to decide.

37 Hours without Sleep - GLORY

Just coming off of the aftereffects of pulling an all nighter 2 days ago. Or however the defining of 'days' comes after pulling an all nighter, I basically suffered yesterday waiting for the sweet embrace of 7pm sleep.

We opted to attempt the all nighter in the face of what seemed to be an insurmountable wall of homework. Our plan was homework, then gym, then homework, then sleep at 3 if we can get done. If we were not asleep by 3, we were gonna bust out the movies, buy some late night snacks from the market, and dig in for the long haul.

The gym was what altered the course of the plan. It was our second time going for the day, and our gym itinerary wasn't the normal "I will work this body part for this many sets, going for this goal and this result," but rather the popular Trunks-style, "I will lift as much weight as I can and make lots of noise to get myself psyched up and have fun." To aid us in this plan, we took our pre-workout drinks like we would for a normal workout, and that is when things went terribly wrong. We are not sure if it was the caffeine late at night, or the fact that it was our second time taking it, or because God decided we needed to show the Chinese the meaning of crazy Americans running wild, but we went insane. I remember distinctly running from our dorm to the back gate to get a cab because running just seemed so NECESSARY. On the way we saw a group of our teachers walking after a peaceful dinner, which caused us to take turns yelling 健身房！ and "SPARTANS! WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION? HOO HOO HOO!" They were frightened.

At the gym we saw the program director, who was happy to see us if a bit confused as to why we were at the gym at 10pm right before it closed. We proceeded to do gratuitous amounts of bench press, and I'm pretty sure I set new world records for looking like a meat head. JJ and I were yelling at each other in English, Chinese, and I think some caffeine fueled mix language that no one but us understood. It was fantastic.

After we got back we were riding the gym high and the caffeine and we just refused to stand still. JJ and I decided this is what it must feel like to use the dark side of the force. We realized that we needed to use our new force powers, which caused JJ for some reason to move all the plants around, then caused a handstand pushup contest, followed by running to the balcony on the fifth floor for mop fights.



At some point we also found a dry erase marker and wrote "I am man!" and a Chinese equivalent of it on the board in the community study room about 50 times each. After declaring our manhood, we finished our homework and began the long road of recovery that ended this morning when I woke up.

On an unrelated note, I found some awesome Chinese music from my roommate. It is Iron Maiden in every way except for the words, which are not English but Chinese. In addition to that, I now have a Chinese cookbook written in Chinese with some of my favorite dishes, a fantastically biased map of China, several children's versions of popular Chinese stories, and the 56 episode 红楼梦 Dream of the Red Chamber. The Dream of the Red Chamber is tied as the most popular story in China, it is one of those novels that has its own college courses and people that dress up as characters from it on certain days of the year. The Chinese cookbook looks promising, too, I've already made one dish out of it yesterday. The only daunting part is buying the ingredients, some of the things you see in these markets are frightening beyond words. There are an abundance amount of cute and possibly disease ridden birds, I want to buy one but I don't want to die of Avian flu.

Gold For America

The game just ended, and America dominated. Tonight we had a Chinese students versus America full court basketball game on an inside court with a nice little crowd. For awhile it was 5 Americans and about 8 Chinese guys, so they had plenty of chances to substitute and it stayed tied into 20's at half time (or 40, we were playing by 1's). Finally a little after halftime 2 more Americans showed up, and with the infusion of non tired people and someone decent to draw double teams of JJ and me America pulled away and never looked back. 58 - 40, the final score here from Hangzhou. Back to you in the studios Chris.

In other news, lately Chris and JJ have been living like rich Chinese people (or poor Americans). Last night we went to the gym, followed by KFC, followed by massages. It was a very good set of events. Today we found a mall near the Chinese Hooters we went to a week ago. I don't know if I wrote about it and I'm too lazy to check so I'm gonna do a quick recap (or introduction) on it real quick. The food was great, the girls were not attractive, I bought a shirt, but most importantly, they asked us if it was our first time because they had a surprise. What followed was an extremely disturbing rendition of "you are my sunshine" sung by all the Hooter's girls complete with a weird, kindergarten level dance. I do not want to go back. In any case, the mall had a fantastic bakery, a Papa John's we will go to later this week, and a host of other stores to just waste time browsing for things we'll never buy, namely the picture below. THEY ARE PANTS WITH BUILT IN BOXER TOPS TO LOOK LIKE YOU ARE SAGGING. I need to buy them and then sag them. "Yeah these are my boxers, these are my fake boxers, these are my pants. So hood."



Tommorrow I am going to the bookstore to buy a cookbook, Story of the Stone/Dream of the Red Chamber in Chinese to read again and see how much I understand, and a high school level history book to see what they learn.

The 后门 has the best food

Today I saw a guy on the street with a bucket full cleaned and unfeathered of goose heads. Like a big bucket. I didn't know why he had them, and I'm not sure he quite knew why either.

Busy Week

Rui'an is possibly the most beautiful place in the entire world, and is most definitely the most breathtaking place in China. It was well worth the 6 hour ride on the bus there and back - we watched Drunken Master 2 twice. And yes, it was awesome.

The hiking in Rui'an was tiresome, there weren't formal stairs or tourist friendly paths. They were slippery stones and almost no railings anywhere - there were quite a few falls and injuries on the way climbing back down. There was a potential for a typhoon to hit land near us, which meant that no one else had come to the area we were climbing that day. This also meant that the wind was blowing just enough to make it very comfortable instead of skin melting Hangzhou hot. They told us not to swim, but when our 5 man MAN GROUP climbed up all the way to the 9th pool we had to get in. As the other students arrived they opted to join us, and then the teachers did as well. It was ridiculously fun and overwhelmingly beautiful, trees and waterfalls like I've never seen before. It was as if all those Asian nature paintings that look too pretty to be real had come to life.

The performances in Rui'an went well. I played all the different "Chinese person" roles in our skit, ranging from teacher to random people on the street to dressing in drag to play a girl. The latter was the most popular, and somehow we were the only ones to put together that putting a 200 pound guy in girls clothing is hilarious. I got the best actor award for the night, and as my prize won a very fitting pink clock.

In our four person group, Dan and Andy did most of the writing and joke crafting and then Ron and I did all of the embarrassing parts and complex speaking. It was very convenient having Ron and I (two of the best if not the best two speakers in the program) together, we could actually have witty conversations and make jokes aside from dressing up like a lady. Though there were many parts that everyone loved, I think the part of the skit I most enjoyed was the ending Dan decided to add during the writing process. Essentially it involves me tearing open my shirt and mimicking the "THIS IS SPARTA" to yell "THIS IS CHINAAAA" and kicking him in the chest. All the Americans got it, half he roommates got it, and few of the teachers understood. They all yelled and clapped, and as we bowed the roared for more it was fantastic. The roommates explained to each other why I had just torn my 衣服 and kicked a student in the Chest, and the teachers all talked amongst themselves and tried to figure out why all of the other Americans were so happy. Needless to say, last night we all watched 300 together last night to educate them.

I found a 'hamburger' here in China. There is a red and white sauce of unknown origins, the meat seems to be lamb, and there is for some reason an egg involved. It is tasty, but it is no hamburger. I think tomorrow we are going to KFC to get JJ and Bob some comfort food, I am very excited.

I have, of course, made friends with the entire gym staff. I go there 2 hours a day, it is to be expected. Apparently I was described as very approachable and easygoing, easy to talk to. Bob is described as nearly the same, but apparently JJ's long hair and demeanor makes him look fierce and some other great adjectives that mean something along the lines of unapproachable. In any case, yesterday one of the trainers beckoned me into the office in the center of the gym. When I say office, I mean more of like a raised pedestal with waist high walls, I don't really understand it. I didn't really understand why he wanted me up there at first, then he pulled out the measuring tape. The other trainers watched as he measured my arms, which to me was very weird. I measured in at 42cm, or 17 and a half inches, which I think is pretty monstrously awesome. I told the head teacher about it, and she said they are sizing me up for an advertisement. Apparently a student last year and the year before were both chosen for different advertisements, one was picked up at a bar and the other oddly enough at a gym. She thinks they probably want me to be in an advertisement for the gym, and that if this is the case they would pay well. I don't really care about money though, I care more about my dangerously inflated ego.

And last but not least, before showing you the pictures and video, I will let you know that I finally road on my first 3 wheeled motorbike taxi with JJ in the back with me, and we raced against Bob and his roommate through the streets of China. It was dangerous. It was awesome.

There Are No Words

Only Images. Making this only half a Dream Theater album. It is still a precursor though, without a doubt.

Now that the Dan-Chris inside jokes are over, I shall share with you two glorious pictures and a movie. After that I will pack for our weekend trip to Rui'an and prepare for the performance we must give while there.


This was found at the China Pizza Hut. It is the World Conquerer Pizza, winner of the 'best name on the menu' contest we had. There are other good monarchs of cuisine, but this one is the greatest. We ordered it. It did, indeed, conquer our taste buds.



This is beyond words. This may be the greatest word I've seen translated into English in a weird way in the history of forever. I am sending this one to engrish.com

And finally, there is this video. The entire staff of a haircut place outside, with music, doing a choreographed dance for I am assuming either attracting business or attracting mates. Enjoy.

Randoms Things I've Noticed in China

People in the gym locker room attempt to congregate nonchalantly whenever I change clothes. They are not nonchalant. Nonchalant means not staring at my penis and following me when I go to shower.

This country has way too much bread, I have inordinately large amounts of bread at every meal. All of those anti-carbohydrate doctors would go into shock if they saw the percentage of my diet that is carbohydrates.

Yesterday a naked man in the locker room was staring at his package in the middle of the locker room. He answered a phone call, talked, hung up, then went back to the middle of the locker room and resumed staring at himself. I'm not sure what he was looking for or expecting.

Asking for a scoop in the lunch line typically means I get 2 or 3 enthusiastic scoops as they attempt to cover my tray with generosity disguised as rice.

Chocolate preserves sanity.

Apparently, for JJ, anything but chocolate causes 拉肚子。

Clothes dry faster when hung outside in the 100 degree plus weather than when placed inside the suspiciously untrustworthy dryers.

Anything can be tied to a bike or motorcycle for transport. Boxes, printers, refrigerators. On that topic, green means go. Red means go. There is no yellow.

My English is getting progressively worse, but more worrisome is that not enough things in China phase me anymore. I think I am going to start carrying around a notebook to write things I notice, because I have about 15 "This is China" moments every day, but I forget them quickly since they happen so frequently. "This is China" is often abbreviated to TIC, and it is a term I got last year while studying abroad from two other UT students. Due to the language pledge, we jokingly converted it into 这是中国 (zhe shi zhongguo), and we like to say zh- sh- zh- as the acronym while on the streets. I would say that every bus ride to or from the gym has a zh-sh-zh moment. These include weird sightings of both good and bad nature, and all in all I think the zh-sh-zh moments are part of why I love this country.

zh-sh-zh

好久不见

I just got on and noticed that in my e-mail inbox I have a message that is about 3 or 4 days old. The message states that the most likely cause of all the students getting diarrhea has been all of the back alley local restaurants, mainly the smaller ones that may not be properly keeping meat. I think all of the Americans in the program have or are just getting over the Chinese version of Montezuma's revenge, which is interesting to me since I have been suspiciously immune. Don't think it is because I am careful, from the inordinate amount of peppers, vinegar, and other potentially havoc wreaking food items I put into my body at every meal you'd think I was in a race with to get acid reflux by age 25. Additionally, I have definitely been eating at those small local restaurants at least once a day for the last week and I will definitely not stop just because a few white people can't handle their spicy foods. Damned white people.

On the topic of food, I finally found - in one of those local restaurants ironically enough - the green bean dish I've been searching forever for. After leaving Beijing I last year I began a 6 month quest to find it in America that did not have the success I hoped for, and up until 3 days ago all the attempts at finding the delicious 干扁四季豆 (ganbiansijidou - aka ganbiandoujiao 干扁豆角) have been for naught. I finally found it though, and I have subsequently eaten it every day for the past 3 days. The man who runs the restaurant is a Chinese version of my Uncle Bubba because of the manner in which he takes control and makes sure everything is hospitable and perfect. Each time I go to this restaurant (probably 5 times in all so far) I bring new people, and each time he goes out of his way to come over and takes over the ordering and paying process. The new people always struggle with figuring out the menu or ordering at the front, so he lumbers out of the kitchen, shoos away the kitchen, and breaks the whole process down. He finds out what you want, and by god he is going to make sure you get it. That is how I've gotten to eat the green bean dish I like, this chicken and pepper dish I like, and a host of other things that aren't on the menu. The food here is out of control happiness in a bowl.

Opted not to travel this weekend, instead we went for massages and movies. The massage was the equivalent of $10 US for 75 minutes, and instantly recharged me so that I could continue to dominate the gym like the American bear that I am. I think the exact quote Bob used to describe me was, "The guys at the gym like Chris because he is big like a bear, I swear I am putting on 30 more pounds of muscle before I come back to China next time." In any case, the more important part of those two m's was the movie. We originally went intending to see Hancock, but Hancock cost 4 times more than any of the other movies at the theater and for some reason at this theater had no English audio. Thus we opted to instead go and see Red Cliff (赤壁 chibi), a movie I didn't know much about outside of a bad quality preview my teacher excitedly showed us in Chinese class last year. It - was - awesome. It was as if Hero, the 300, and a train filled with halberd wielding bad asses had collided on screen. I did not know this (JJ and Bob did), but the movie was basically the plot line of a series of popular games called Dynasty Warriors released in the US. The general idea is that it is the time of the 3 Warring States period, and there are a bunch of heroes leading armies to battle each other. With the exclusion of Jet Li and Jackie Chan, who at this point are pretty much American movie stars, I think every major Chinese action movie star was in this movie. The two guys from House of Flying Daggers, the emperor from Hero, the Japanese/Korean/Chinese/? guy from Fearless (with the excellent scowl), and a whole set of others. Every time a new person was revealed - which happened to be about every 5 or 10 minutes - the entire crowd would erupt into ooh's aah's and "No way him too!"'s. It was overwhelming, I was like a child in a medieval war shop. Or whatever. I cannot stress how awesome this movie was, and I guarantee it will come to America in some form or another.

Oh dear, the gym crew just walked in. It is time to go destroy. As a note for Dan, yesterday we mixed NOXplode and Black Powder. Casualties were high.